sweet silence

The kids have returned to school and the house is quiet once again, well for 6 hours of the day anyway. I have been attempting to focus on organizing my house over the past 2 weeks that the kids have been in school. I have worked on my kitchen cupboards, linen closets, laundry room.
   I also made up a home management binder that is separated into categories such as, emergency information, daily planner,calender of events, cleaning ( which has the kids cleaning chores where they get daily stickers to earn their 10$ allowance), budget,bill payment (this has a calender that has date when bills are due for quick reference) and meal planning ( this has the weekly menu and the shopping list and special meal plans for holidays and parties).
      I have also set up a lunch meal plan for school and set up a container in the fridge that has quick grab things like fruit and cheese and celery and carrot sticks etc (thank you weightwacherwannabe for the wonderful idea) for making lunch packing and planning so much easier.
    Today I am going to work on the daily cleaning schedule so that the other chores don't slack after the kids do their chores. It is hard for me to come home after working a 12 hour day and still have housework to so as well as get the kids to do their chores therefore, I feel if everything is laid out it will be easier for these chores to become a habit for everyone involved and make my life a little easier and in the process help me find me in a peaceful clutter free organized environment !!

Disaster !!!!!!!!!

Well the last few months have been a complete disaster for me ! . With the kids home from school makes my schedule take a land slide to the pits . My wish is that my ADD/ADHD would allow OCD in me have a day so I could actually complete one of my obsessive tasks that I take during a day. I wear myself out then end up not finishing any of them . The doctor has changed my adhd medication and i am not sure how it is working yet we are doing a weekly dose increase and am now at 50 mg which is about half way up the scale. It is a stimulant and i have noticed a slight decrease in appetite (not complaining though) I am going to try to start to be a responsible blogger (wait haven't I said that before) and try to post every day that i am off work . The kids go back to school on Sept 4 so that will make life easier on me for sure. I am looking a lot of home organization blogs and all of them have a home management binder and i have attempted to create on using printables from their sites however , sadly they don't come to your house and kick you in the butt when your mind is in tail spin. So that is something i am trying very hard to work on  is my focus which is one of the hardest things to focus on . I am going on a organizing frenzy now, i will let you know how it goes.

On my way

Well like it says on my Page "I may not be there yet, but I am closer that I was yesterday. I am trying to do the best possible job with my life and figuring out exactly where I fit into this world. Why was I given 2 children with special needs, but most of all am i making the right choices for my children. I carry a lot of guilt and resentment toward myself over things I have done. I will give some examples of this.....
 First I spent a lot of time trying to split my time between hospital with Jessica and home with Kacie . My dear husband felt as though I "was being a bad mother to kacie" for spending so much time at the hospital. At the time I felt that kacie wouldn't notice because she was only 2 1/2 but 9year later and instill hold guilt and torment myself daily.  I feel guilty always because I don't spend enough time with the kids or the time we did spend was making them clean their rooms or not just good quality time. I have spoke to a psychiatrists about my guilt and what he said was that the situation I was in is tough and the decisions I have had to make are not easy,  the guilty feelings come from a place of good intentions but the fear of uncertainty is overwhelming. He went on to say that he felt that I was a good mother just trying to do what is best for my children, which is true obviously all parents want that!. It has been a hard few months for me because the medication for my add/adhd has not been working well and my focus and concentration has gone out the Window. I am hopeful to get back on track.... Always easier said then done

Well here I am again, I have totally tried to stay focused however once again I failed. I have had a few ruff patches and I believe that when you suffer with depression and other things as well ruff patches are to be expected. I was having a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed to say the least  living with ADD/ADHD and OCD creates such a conflict within your head that some days it is impossible to be normal in any way. I have been keeping a eye on my second favorite Blogger moneysavingmom she has some wonderful ideas to stay focused and on budget in all aspects of life. So from here I am going to try to start a new. I have been going to yoga and I am going go start back go kick boxing again. I need to start being selfish it seems so simple but it is the hardest thing to do ever. I would have never thought that putting myself first would be hard but it is. I will keep trying but some days it is hard to be me!  I met with Jessica's caseworker from community living I told her that someday my kids test my abilities as a parent they make me feel like I don't know what I am doing. I laugh when I say it but it's the truth!  Thanks for listening I am off to bed now work in the am (yuck) but I will try to make blogging a daily thing but I won't hold my breath I am just going to take this one day at a time

It's me again

As a true ADDer I lost my focus. In my head I can plan things out but for some reason I am unable to complete my task at hand this is so frustrating.  I wish I could be more able to get my life in order and actually do it. I see other people do it why is it so hard for me. I am hoping that it's just that my medication needs to be adjusted ADD/ADHD is something that takes your life away and is so hard to control because it sneaks in and takes control of you before you have chance to resist. I can't control the anxiety it causes or feelings of what I call crazy where I feel like my life is in ruin and there is no way out. Life inside my head is filled with thoughts and nothing organized just random and out of control. Today is St Patricks Day for me this day holds no fun no luck and no happiness. Five years ago today I lost someone who was my heart and soul she was the rock inside my insane childhood she always made me feel better without saying a word she just knew what I needed. My grandmother was someone special and I miss her like she passed only yesterday, her death left me feeling empty and although I have family around it still feels as though there is a piece of me missing. I realize I am grieving but it feels like this wound is far to big to ever heal. I just want to feel normal again or at least what I feel normal to be. I want to be healthy and fit and live lice happy and fulfilled and loved. I need motivation and someone that will tell me to suck it up when I am not feeling into exercise or tell me how bad the food I am going to eat is, you know all that stuff. I feel like a failure but it's going to change it has to it just has to

been so long

I wish there was more time in a day, it seems as though I never have enough time to get to the things I would like to do. I have applied to trent University to start courses towards a bachelors degree in psychology with a minor in biology. I think i will also work on my masters in psychology as well  but that is 4 years from now so not going to stress about that. My hope is that when all is said done what i want to do is be able to research all disabilities and get into the minds of these children and figure out how they learn so i can teach parents and teachers how to give these children the most successful life possible. Havi g 2 children both with disabilities and dealing with the school system has made me realize that changes need to be made and i feel as though I may just the person to get that done. Well that is my hope anyway
 So I am just waiting to hear if i have been accepted or not, I have applied as a mature student so i am hopi g that i will be accepted but I have other tricks up my sleeve if not, this is not something I just came up with  over night, I have wanted to do this for quite sometime and have only now found the confidence in myself to finally apply. Should have I done this long ago ? .... hell ya, only now do i know its not a want to do its a need and I know I will be successful regardless of how long it takes me.

it all about breathing

well I have come to several conclusions lately, first my husband and I need marriage counselling in the worst way and with out it we do not stand much of a chance. Sadly many marriages with children with disabilities ends in divorce. I do not want to be a statistic  but it is a two way street and lately i have hit many road blocks. Secondly, i noticed how exercise improved my mood and made it easier to deal with point #1 but i also realised as I was lifting weights one night that exercise is alot like love, no no hear me out. while lifting weights usually I do 10 reps and when it is getting really tough to keep going i think to myself just count to 10 so i do my 10 reps . Then one night while arguing with my husband I found that I would stop and count to 10 and I would be more calm so I made the connection that when the going gets tough the best thing to is count to 10 if arguing or having trouble completing your weights count to 10.

i'm back

1. Well it has been a very busy couple of weeks fir me. As you may know i went back to work after a 10 week stress leave, well i did have my tonsils out first so really 6 weeks. Going back to work was hard very very hard but as i like to say when someone has to do something they don't want to do " suck it up buttercup, build a bridge and get over it ". May not be the nicest to say to ones self but effective. I bought a treadmill to help with my fitness and have been faithfully in running , i made a commitment to myself and i feel that breaking a commitment to me is the worst things. Now 10 weeks ago i would have not considered myself in the equation.I would feel guilty for going to the gym when i would have house work to do or if the kids were home and i wasn't spending time with them. Now I can hop onto my treadmill while my kids play on the wii or watch tv or just do crafts, they are old enough that they understand that playing near the treadmill is unsafe so I feel its ok, however if they were younger i would wait for a nap time or put them into a playpen. Wow kinda got off topic there (hi ADD, nice to see you), so back to work hard but I will say i have a new out look and feel more at ease i don't feel that anxiety when i pull into the parking lot and i haven't cried while sitting in my car once, however i have only been back for 7 shifts and 5 of them were only 8 hour shifts. My shifts yesterday and today were 12 hours they were busy enough, the higher ups felt ut was ok for us to admit patients to the hall ways ??? not really sure how they thought we would be able to give care to these patients in the hallways but we didn't allow it so not mattering but still things that make you go hmmmm. Now onto my exercising, i have ran about 5 k (about 2.5 miles i believe) everyday since i got it. I have also got some hand weights and have been doing some weight lifting and also using my yoga ball as well. I don't think i have lost any weight but i do feel a difference in my overall mood and how I feel about myself. I feel that is worth the cost of the equipment without a doubt. anyway I am so tired will write again tomorrow ..... promise 

well its time

I have been off of work for about 9 weeks. I am nervous about going back because well i feel the environment i work is a toxic pit negativity that will begin to suck the life out of me . My counsellor told me to think of myself as a bank i  can give and give and give but eventually there will be nothing left to give i can go into overdraft but that just makes it more difficult to get out of the hole. without making deposits into the bank with guilt or hard feels it is impossible to continue to give. Being off has allowed me to make those deposits to the point i feel i have extra to give. However it has also made me realise that the job that i am is not the career i am meant to do. It is not that I don't want to be a nurse anymore, its all i have ever want to be, its all i have ever done I just feel I am not helping in the way I am meant to the only problem that come with that is I don't what that is. I am going to go back to work and continue to put the deposit into myself so i do not let my patients down or myself for that matter. So I will continue to find me and attempt to block the negativity from the toxic pit of horror. The will be the true test of the new me .

Always shoot for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among stars 

trip to new york

1. So for the first in my life i left Canada and made a trip with my friends to New York. It was amazing i have always had fears too many to list like bridges now driving from peterborough ontario to new york you would be amazed at how many bridges one must cross. so lets just say i stepped out side my box indeed, i had the opportunity to visit ground zero the feeling of heartache is overwhelming. we went on the night tour and i took a picture of the Manhattan bridge  will upload it to this post it looks like orbs floating in the air. Now, i am no professional in orbs so these could b dust particles i have no idea how to tell the difference.I will let you be the judge and come to your own conclusion. I was just downloading pictures to my playbook and that is what made me do this post. Now having spoke of my trip to New York it was wonderful to step outside my box and enjoy the wonders of time square and central park and feel as i call it ARMY STRONG it felt empowered over coming my fears it scared my yes and i felt like i was going to vomit but when i was over the bridge or went up the elevator to the top of the rock and looked out over New York and once it was done and i was safe on the ground that feeling of empowerment was one where you want to throw your arms in the air and scream to the heavens and thank god you are alive in a good way its not just that you made it out alive but that you accomplished something you never thought you could. That is empowerment, that is living, that is........ARMY STRONG

these are my girls kacie and jess

I feel a rant coming on !!!!!!!!

I feel so angry so used and unvalidated right now that my heart has sunk to my bowels. Today I have endured vomiting and diarrhoea, i have done laundry cook a soup from scratch done 3 loads of dishes in the dishwasher plus dishes by hand as well as cooked a separate meal for the children. Not to mention i was up really early and didn't sleep well. Kacie and Jessica were at each others throats all day and i have had about enough. My husband comes home from work and has a shower and parks his ass on the bed puts on headphones and ignores the family. This does nothing but piss me off, like really when i come home from a 12 hour day the first thing i do is start my other job of being mom while he runs off and hides. This is a most unfair action and very unbecoming of a life mate, the saddest part of all is this is consistent so what do i do how do i correct this how do i become validated in my life, how do i find me when i am consistently brought down to the level of begging for validation. Is it even validation that i am looking for ?. I know i need to find me but it i seems so daunting trying to find something that i am not sure if it exists anymore that light is distant and dim..... perhaps that's the problem i allow this bull shit because me as i know me no longer exists and a reconstruction is in order. So what do i do well for now i continue to carry on as per usual.I am just at a loss of what to do, i am tired of talking yelling and bending over backwards to be stomped on daily.... Well its up to me now

.

#Winning#

So i really wasn't if making Kacie go to kickboxing again was going to go over well. I made her go and told her if she didn't like she didn't have to go back. Well we went she LOVED it, the instructor said she was doing great and she completed the entire class and out boxed some of the older folk. Anyway i am glad she tied it and i am proud of her for not allowing her anxiety take over. Job well done my heart job well done . Now need to get Jess into karate she has a mean kick that needs some control. So today for me has been good I really find the medication I am taking for my ADD has made my world open up in so many new way and the anti anxiety meds have allowed me to be able to take advantage of that new world . Before my ADD med I could never be able to make it through a hour long class and before the anti anxiety meds i would have never made it through the front door to the kickboxing place. I am looking at these like gifts and will treat them as such with pride and respect .

a day of thinking

As i have spent the day watching my kids and cleaning and shopping a few things have occured to me.First off went off in a rant inside my head (thanks ADD) on how much i dislike diets, not just because i can't follow through with one but because they are so not healthy. I feel if someone really wants to lose weight the 2 "diets"that really are not diets at all but just a different way of eating. These 2 diets are clean eating (Tosca Reno ..my hero ) or weight watchers . Clean eating for the person who doesn't want to have anything to do with a diet but wants to eat healthy. Weight watchers for the person who needs to those guidelines not that clean eating doesn't have rules or guidelines but its just a different way of eating. So that was the rant for today with eating . The other thing that made me think today was something that made me give myself a pat on my back. My daughter Jessica who has down syndrome, was reading and spelled her full name now i can not take all the credit for that but i feel that having her put into the LLS (learning and life skills) class this year has given her a new lease on life. I really struggled with that decision because her doctor had said to me once in a random conversation that i should never let her go into a special needs class. However, we have also decided to start her on ADD/ADHD medication now the combination of these things combined have increased her ability to learn to the point of her going from  being able to spell her first name only last year and only counting to 10 to counting to 30 and being able to spell her first and last name and being able to sit through a lesson at school which was just not done last year at all so I my decision was the right one for Jess and it makes me happy when she reads a story or spells her name that i made that decision and gave her the opportunity to succeed instead of let her just get by with her IEP so today i feel pretty good about that.Now just so everyone know Jess is still integrated into a regular class room she spends 50% of her day in the LLS class.

well woke up this morning with a nice chest cold. I promised the kids i would take them out to use their gift cards so in my own words "suck it up buttercup, build a bridge and get over it ". I got the kids ready myself ready and went into walmart hell. Then zellers( Canadian version if target) the kids got the wii games and barbie supplies and i got myself these cool things for making eggs in the microwave. So far today has been somewhat productive, but now i have to clean and kacie and i are doing kickboxing and she is gonna love it come hell or high water!!!!.

Epic fail

So tonight i went to my kickboxing class which i enjoy a lot !. I took Kacie with me because i felt it would be something fun to try that we could do together. Now let me give you some background information on kacie, she is 11 years old she has a anxiety disorder and was just diagnosed with aspergers. So I take her hoping she would come out of her shell and try something new, but she wouldn't  even try she kept giving me excuses I hate excuses !!!! first she said she couldn't breath but she was breathing just fine. Then it was because everyone was bigger then her then she was uncomfortable no matter what I said she wouldn't even try she did the warm up and never even tried . I admit it made me mad very mad, she could have said i need a break or i am having a hard time or whatever but what she said was "i can't". How does she know she can't ? she never tried. I would have given her any option if she had of tried there is nothing worse in this world than not believing in youself, selling yourself short never helps you improve. I just wish she would have tried. I don't know how to teach self esteem but i think kick boxing would be great start for her, for anyone who wants to get exercise and confidence kickboxing is wonderful. So to make a long story short she will be going back (thats the bitch in me lol) and she will try it and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to go back. I don't want her to have regrets but at the same time i don't want her just give up because i nag to much so it is a fine line. I do not want her to wake up one day at 39 and say why didn't I, i should have, i wish i did. I want different things for my kids i don't want them to make the mistakes i made. The moral of this story! don't give up on yourself, do not sell yourself short and do not say you can't without trying it first. Most of all live each day like it may be your last live without regret.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

well to everyone reading I hope all of your dreams came true for the past year. When i reflected on my last year not gonna lie wasn't stellar. So who do i blame ? can't blame kids,husband,work anything really i let things get me down. Soas a part of my new me i am going to TRY to not let my emotions take over my life i wasted to much time sitting on the couch instead of playing go seek with my kids. So this year my resolution is to play like a kid have fun and I am not going to sweat the small stuff, go with the flow if you will. I cant grantee that everyday is going to be full of laughs but i will strive to belly laugh at least once a day. You all know the laugh i mean the one that starts in your toes and falls from your mouth and can't be stopped. It may take a tickle fight with the kids or I will remember the time i got out of my car slipped on the ice and slid right under my car,my hand stuck in my pockets all i do was laugh and wait for my husband to realize i wasn't beside him. AAAHHHH ok ya thats my belly laugh for today !!!!!!!!. My kids need me to teach them what it is to be strong, Jessica who has down syndrome needs these lessons taught to her they are not just learned in the same way i learned or even Kacie for that matter. This is going to be a very busy year for me but with diet and exercise I may make it through. I will be posting workouts and diet this on my twitter account to keep everyone abreast of what I am up to. I believe that these are the first steps to find who i am or even who i use to be. Being ADD/ADHD makes it hard to keep on any type of  set schedule so i just play it by ear if it doesn't get done in the morning it will get done in the evening . So i guess only I have the power to change what I don't like about me or my life. Some things i wouldn't change for the world but other watch out cuz your outta here !!!!!!!!!!!!  Happy new year everyone.