well its time

I have been off of work for about 9 weeks. I am nervous about going back because well i feel the environment i work is a toxic pit negativity that will begin to suck the life out of me . My counsellor told me to think of myself as a bank i  can give and give and give but eventually there will be nothing left to give i can go into overdraft but that just makes it more difficult to get out of the hole. without making deposits into the bank with guilt or hard feels it is impossible to continue to give. Being off has allowed me to make those deposits to the point i feel i have extra to give. However it has also made me realise that the job that i am is not the career i am meant to do. It is not that I don't want to be a nurse anymore, its all i have ever want to be, its all i have ever done I just feel I am not helping in the way I am meant to the only problem that come with that is I don't what that is. I am going to go back to work and continue to put the deposit into myself so i do not let my patients down or myself for that matter. So I will continue to find me and attempt to block the negativity from the toxic pit of horror. The will be the true test of the new me .

Always shoot for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among stars 

trip to new york

1. So for the first in my life i left Canada and made a trip with my friends to New York. It was amazing i have always had fears too many to list like bridges now driving from peterborough ontario to new york you would be amazed at how many bridges one must cross. so lets just say i stepped out side my box indeed, i had the opportunity to visit ground zero the feeling of heartache is overwhelming. we went on the night tour and i took a picture of the Manhattan bridge  will upload it to this post it looks like orbs floating in the air. Now, i am no professional in orbs so these could b dust particles i have no idea how to tell the difference.I will let you be the judge and come to your own conclusion. I was just downloading pictures to my playbook and that is what made me do this post. Now having spoke of my trip to New York it was wonderful to step outside my box and enjoy the wonders of time square and central park and feel as i call it ARMY STRONG it felt empowered over coming my fears it scared my yes and i felt like i was going to vomit but when i was over the bridge or went up the elevator to the top of the rock and looked out over New York and once it was done and i was safe on the ground that feeling of empowerment was one where you want to throw your arms in the air and scream to the heavens and thank god you are alive in a good way its not just that you made it out alive but that you accomplished something you never thought you could. That is empowerment, that is living, that is........ARMY STRONG

these are my girls kacie and jess

I feel a rant coming on !!!!!!!!

I feel so angry so used and unvalidated right now that my heart has sunk to my bowels. Today I have endured vomiting and diarrhoea, i have done laundry cook a soup from scratch done 3 loads of dishes in the dishwasher plus dishes by hand as well as cooked a separate meal for the children. Not to mention i was up really early and didn't sleep well. Kacie and Jessica were at each others throats all day and i have had about enough. My husband comes home from work and has a shower and parks his ass on the bed puts on headphones and ignores the family. This does nothing but piss me off, like really when i come home from a 12 hour day the first thing i do is start my other job of being mom while he runs off and hides. This is a most unfair action and very unbecoming of a life mate, the saddest part of all is this is consistent so what do i do how do i correct this how do i become validated in my life, how do i find me when i am consistently brought down to the level of begging for validation. Is it even validation that i am looking for ?. I know i need to find me but it i seems so daunting trying to find something that i am not sure if it exists anymore that light is distant and dim..... perhaps that's the problem i allow this bull shit because me as i know me no longer exists and a reconstruction is in order. So what do i do well for now i continue to carry on as per usual.I am just at a loss of what to do, i am tired of talking yelling and bending over backwards to be stomped on daily.... Well its up to me now

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#Winning#

So i really wasn't if making Kacie go to kickboxing again was going to go over well. I made her go and told her if she didn't like she didn't have to go back. Well we went she LOVED it, the instructor said she was doing great and she completed the entire class and out boxed some of the older folk. Anyway i am glad she tied it and i am proud of her for not allowing her anxiety take over. Job well done my heart job well done . Now need to get Jess into karate she has a mean kick that needs some control. So today for me has been good I really find the medication I am taking for my ADD has made my world open up in so many new way and the anti anxiety meds have allowed me to be able to take advantage of that new world . Before my ADD med I could never be able to make it through a hour long class and before the anti anxiety meds i would have never made it through the front door to the kickboxing place. I am looking at these like gifts and will treat them as such with pride and respect .

a day of thinking

As i have spent the day watching my kids and cleaning and shopping a few things have occured to me.First off went off in a rant inside my head (thanks ADD) on how much i dislike diets, not just because i can't follow through with one but because they are so not healthy. I feel if someone really wants to lose weight the 2 "diets"that really are not diets at all but just a different way of eating. These 2 diets are clean eating (Tosca Reno ..my hero ) or weight watchers . Clean eating for the person who doesn't want to have anything to do with a diet but wants to eat healthy. Weight watchers for the person who needs to those guidelines not that clean eating doesn't have rules or guidelines but its just a different way of eating. So that was the rant for today with eating . The other thing that made me think today was something that made me give myself a pat on my back. My daughter Jessica who has down syndrome, was reading and spelled her full name now i can not take all the credit for that but i feel that having her put into the LLS (learning and life skills) class this year has given her a new lease on life. I really struggled with that decision because her doctor had said to me once in a random conversation that i should never let her go into a special needs class. However, we have also decided to start her on ADD/ADHD medication now the combination of these things combined have increased her ability to learn to the point of her going from  being able to spell her first name only last year and only counting to 10 to counting to 30 and being able to spell her first and last name and being able to sit through a lesson at school which was just not done last year at all so I my decision was the right one for Jess and it makes me happy when she reads a story or spells her name that i made that decision and gave her the opportunity to succeed instead of let her just get by with her IEP so today i feel pretty good about that.Now just so everyone know Jess is still integrated into a regular class room she spends 50% of her day in the LLS class.

well woke up this morning with a nice chest cold. I promised the kids i would take them out to use their gift cards so in my own words "suck it up buttercup, build a bridge and get over it ". I got the kids ready myself ready and went into walmart hell. Then zellers( Canadian version if target) the kids got the wii games and barbie supplies and i got myself these cool things for making eggs in the microwave. So far today has been somewhat productive, but now i have to clean and kacie and i are doing kickboxing and she is gonna love it come hell or high water!!!!.

Epic fail

So tonight i went to my kickboxing class which i enjoy a lot !. I took Kacie with me because i felt it would be something fun to try that we could do together. Now let me give you some background information on kacie, she is 11 years old she has a anxiety disorder and was just diagnosed with aspergers. So I take her hoping she would come out of her shell and try something new, but she wouldn't  even try she kept giving me excuses I hate excuses !!!! first she said she couldn't breath but she was breathing just fine. Then it was because everyone was bigger then her then she was uncomfortable no matter what I said she wouldn't even try she did the warm up and never even tried . I admit it made me mad very mad, she could have said i need a break or i am having a hard time or whatever but what she said was "i can't". How does she know she can't ? she never tried. I would have given her any option if she had of tried there is nothing worse in this world than not believing in youself, selling yourself short never helps you improve. I just wish she would have tried. I don't know how to teach self esteem but i think kick boxing would be great start for her, for anyone who wants to get exercise and confidence kickboxing is wonderful. So to make a long story short she will be going back (thats the bitch in me lol) and she will try it and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to go back. I don't want her to have regrets but at the same time i don't want her just give up because i nag to much so it is a fine line. I do not want her to wake up one day at 39 and say why didn't I, i should have, i wish i did. I want different things for my kids i don't want them to make the mistakes i made. The moral of this story! don't give up on yourself, do not sell yourself short and do not say you can't without trying it first. Most of all live each day like it may be your last live without regret.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

well to everyone reading I hope all of your dreams came true for the past year. When i reflected on my last year not gonna lie wasn't stellar. So who do i blame ? can't blame kids,husband,work anything really i let things get me down. Soas a part of my new me i am going to TRY to not let my emotions take over my life i wasted to much time sitting on the couch instead of playing go seek with my kids. So this year my resolution is to play like a kid have fun and I am not going to sweat the small stuff, go with the flow if you will. I cant grantee that everyday is going to be full of laughs but i will strive to belly laugh at least once a day. You all know the laugh i mean the one that starts in your toes and falls from your mouth and can't be stopped. It may take a tickle fight with the kids or I will remember the time i got out of my car slipped on the ice and slid right under my car,my hand stuck in my pockets all i do was laugh and wait for my husband to realize i wasn't beside him. AAAHHHH ok ya thats my belly laugh for today !!!!!!!!. My kids need me to teach them what it is to be strong, Jessica who has down syndrome needs these lessons taught to her they are not just learned in the same way i learned or even Kacie for that matter. This is going to be a very busy year for me but with diet and exercise I may make it through. I will be posting workouts and diet this on my twitter account to keep everyone abreast of what I am up to. I believe that these are the first steps to find who i am or even who i use to be. Being ADD/ADHD makes it hard to keep on any type of  set schedule so i just play it by ear if it doesn't get done in the morning it will get done in the evening . So i guess only I have the power to change what I don't like about me or my life. Some things i wouldn't change for the world but other watch out cuz your outta here !!!!!!!!!!!!  Happy new year everyone.