sweet silence

The kids have returned to school and the house is quiet once again, well for 6 hours of the day anyway. I have been attempting to focus on organizing my house over the past 2 weeks that the kids have been in school. I have worked on my kitchen cupboards, linen closets, laundry room.
   I also made up a home management binder that is separated into categories such as, emergency information, daily planner,calender of events, cleaning ( which has the kids cleaning chores where they get daily stickers to earn their 10$ allowance), budget,bill payment (this has a calender that has date when bills are due for quick reference) and meal planning ( this has the weekly menu and the shopping list and special meal plans for holidays and parties).
      I have also set up a lunch meal plan for school and set up a container in the fridge that has quick grab things like fruit and cheese and celery and carrot sticks etc (thank you weightwacherwannabe for the wonderful idea) for making lunch packing and planning so much easier.
    Today I am going to work on the daily cleaning schedule so that the other chores don't slack after the kids do their chores. It is hard for me to come home after working a 12 hour day and still have housework to so as well as get the kids to do their chores therefore, I feel if everything is laid out it will be easier for these chores to become a habit for everyone involved and make my life a little easier and in the process help me find me in a peaceful clutter free organized environment !!

Disaster !!!!!!!!!

Well the last few months have been a complete disaster for me ! . With the kids home from school makes my schedule take a land slide to the pits . My wish is that my ADD/ADHD would allow OCD in me have a day so I could actually complete one of my obsessive tasks that I take during a day. I wear myself out then end up not finishing any of them . The doctor has changed my adhd medication and i am not sure how it is working yet we are doing a weekly dose increase and am now at 50 mg which is about half way up the scale. It is a stimulant and i have noticed a slight decrease in appetite (not complaining though) I am going to try to start to be a responsible blogger (wait haven't I said that before) and try to post every day that i am off work . The kids go back to school on Sept 4 so that will make life easier on me for sure. I am looking a lot of home organization blogs and all of them have a home management binder and i have attempted to create on using printables from their sites however , sadly they don't come to your house and kick you in the butt when your mind is in tail spin. So that is something i am trying very hard to work on  is my focus which is one of the hardest things to focus on . I am going on a organizing frenzy now, i will let you know how it goes.

On my way

Well like it says on my Page "I may not be there yet, but I am closer that I was yesterday. I am trying to do the best possible job with my life and figuring out exactly where I fit into this world. Why was I given 2 children with special needs, but most of all am i making the right choices for my children. I carry a lot of guilt and resentment toward myself over things I have done. I will give some examples of this.....
 First I spent a lot of time trying to split my time between hospital with Jessica and home with Kacie . My dear husband felt as though I "was being a bad mother to kacie" for spending so much time at the hospital. At the time I felt that kacie wouldn't notice because she was only 2 1/2 but 9year later and instill hold guilt and torment myself daily.  I feel guilty always because I don't spend enough time with the kids or the time we did spend was making them clean their rooms or not just good quality time. I have spoke to a psychiatrists about my guilt and what he said was that the situation I was in is tough and the decisions I have had to make are not easy,  the guilty feelings come from a place of good intentions but the fear of uncertainty is overwhelming. He went on to say that he felt that I was a good mother just trying to do what is best for my children, which is true obviously all parents want that!. It has been a hard few months for me because the medication for my add/adhd has not been working well and my focus and concentration has gone out the Window. I am hopeful to get back on track.... Always easier said then done

Well here I am again, I have totally tried to stay focused however once again I failed. I have had a few ruff patches and I believe that when you suffer with depression and other things as well ruff patches are to be expected. I was having a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed to say the least  living with ADD/ADHD and OCD creates such a conflict within your head that some days it is impossible to be normal in any way. I have been keeping a eye on my second favorite Blogger moneysavingmom she has some wonderful ideas to stay focused and on budget in all aspects of life. So from here I am going to try to start a new. I have been going to yoga and I am going go start back go kick boxing again. I need to start being selfish it seems so simple but it is the hardest thing to do ever. I would have never thought that putting myself first would be hard but it is. I will keep trying but some days it is hard to be me!  I met with Jessica's caseworker from community living I told her that someday my kids test my abilities as a parent they make me feel like I don't know what I am doing. I laugh when I say it but it's the truth!  Thanks for listening I am off to bed now work in the am (yuck) but I will try to make blogging a daily thing but I won't hold my breath I am just going to take this one day at a time

It's me again

As a true ADDer I lost my focus. In my head I can plan things out but for some reason I am unable to complete my task at hand this is so frustrating.  I wish I could be more able to get my life in order and actually do it. I see other people do it why is it so hard for me. I am hoping that it's just that my medication needs to be adjusted ADD/ADHD is something that takes your life away and is so hard to control because it sneaks in and takes control of you before you have chance to resist. I can't control the anxiety it causes or feelings of what I call crazy where I feel like my life is in ruin and there is no way out. Life inside my head is filled with thoughts and nothing organized just random and out of control. Today is St Patricks Day for me this day holds no fun no luck and no happiness. Five years ago today I lost someone who was my heart and soul she was the rock inside my insane childhood she always made me feel better without saying a word she just knew what I needed. My grandmother was someone special and I miss her like she passed only yesterday, her death left me feeling empty and although I have family around it still feels as though there is a piece of me missing. I realize I am grieving but it feels like this wound is far to big to ever heal. I just want to feel normal again or at least what I feel normal to be. I want to be healthy and fit and live lice happy and fulfilled and loved. I need motivation and someone that will tell me to suck it up when I am not feeling into exercise or tell me how bad the food I am going to eat is, you know all that stuff. I feel like a failure but it's going to change it has to it just has to

been so long

I wish there was more time in a day, it seems as though I never have enough time to get to the things I would like to do. I have applied to trent University to start courses towards a bachelors degree in psychology with a minor in biology. I think i will also work on my masters in psychology as well  but that is 4 years from now so not going to stress about that. My hope is that when all is said done what i want to do is be able to research all disabilities and get into the minds of these children and figure out how they learn so i can teach parents and teachers how to give these children the most successful life possible. Havi g 2 children both with disabilities and dealing with the school system has made me realize that changes need to be made and i feel as though I may just the person to get that done. Well that is my hope anyway
 So I am just waiting to hear if i have been accepted or not, I have applied as a mature student so i am hopi g that i will be accepted but I have other tricks up my sleeve if not, this is not something I just came up with  over night, I have wanted to do this for quite sometime and have only now found the confidence in myself to finally apply. Should have I done this long ago ? .... hell ya, only now do i know its not a want to do its a need and I know I will be successful regardless of how long it takes me.

it all about breathing

well I have come to several conclusions lately, first my husband and I need marriage counselling in the worst way and with out it we do not stand much of a chance. Sadly many marriages with children with disabilities ends in divorce. I do not want to be a statistic  but it is a two way street and lately i have hit many road blocks. Secondly, i noticed how exercise improved my mood and made it easier to deal with point #1 but i also realised as I was lifting weights one night that exercise is alot like love, no no hear me out. while lifting weights usually I do 10 reps and when it is getting really tough to keep going i think to myself just count to 10 so i do my 10 reps . Then one night while arguing with my husband I found that I would stop and count to 10 and I would be more calm so I made the connection that when the going gets tough the best thing to is count to 10 if arguing or having trouble completing your weights count to 10.