It's me again

As a true ADDer I lost my focus. In my head I can plan things out but for some reason I am unable to complete my task at hand this is so frustrating.  I wish I could be more able to get my life in order and actually do it. I see other people do it why is it so hard for me. I am hoping that it's just that my medication needs to be adjusted ADD/ADHD is something that takes your life away and is so hard to control because it sneaks in and takes control of you before you have chance to resist. I can't control the anxiety it causes or feelings of what I call crazy where I feel like my life is in ruin and there is no way out. Life inside my head is filled with thoughts and nothing organized just random and out of control. Today is St Patricks Day for me this day holds no fun no luck and no happiness. Five years ago today I lost someone who was my heart and soul she was the rock inside my insane childhood she always made me feel better without saying a word she just knew what I needed. My grandmother was someone special and I miss her like she passed only yesterday, her death left me feeling empty and although I have family around it still feels as though there is a piece of me missing. I realize I am grieving but it feels like this wound is far to big to ever heal. I just want to feel normal again or at least what I feel normal to be. I want to be healthy and fit and live lice happy and fulfilled and loved. I need motivation and someone that will tell me to suck it up when I am not feeling into exercise or tell me how bad the food I am going to eat is, you know all that stuff. I feel like a failure but it's going to change it has to it just has to